I am tired.

Prolly no one sees this, but here goes. One of the rare times I actually type like this.

Through the entire 6 months,my life had been really intense. I've done a thousand and one things, I've seen a thousand and two things and I've experienced a few things that I hope I will never experience again. But I still don't get it. 

I dont get it. I seriously dont get what was I supposed to do and what was I supposed to learn. I felt like I was struggling so hard to swim and to stay afloat, but I had no idea on the direction I was headed for in the 1st place.

I tried really hard to get things completed, but I still failed. I tried so hard to stop committing blunders and cause inconvenience to people, but I still managed to do it anyway. I tried so hard to stop disappointing people, to keep asking for directions, but I was seen as the loser intern who fails everything and doesnt know how to do anything. It feels like the expectation for me is 200%, but I can only give 100%. 

I remembered saying that I was getting tired and feeling as though I am running out of battery to chase after the expectations. Every time I've got a scolding, I had to pick myself off the ground and strive, pick myself off and strive, and pick myself off and strive again. This circle doesn't end. I am tired of trying to meet unrealistic expectations and I am tired of hating myself so much for my incompetency and stupidity. 

I have one more month to go. One more month of feeling as though as I am the stupidest intern they've ever seen and encountered. One more month of running after unrealistic expectations. One more month of hating me.

Some of the things I've done since 6 months ago:

1. Brought a real wheelchair home
2. Begged for rattan baskets from durian shops 
3. Spent an entire day not eating because I had no time
4. Got completely drenched in the rain because of work
5. Traveled from one end of Singapore to the other
6. Spent half a day on travelling around to just to get costumes
7. Went on complicated costume runs alone with barely any directions
8. Taught students near my age
9. Felt so miserable and helpless I cried on the public transport
10. Walked through Orchard shopping malls completely drenched from head to toe while carrying 2 heavy bags
11. Seen a horrible fatal accident
12. Carried tables and chairs alone to a school
13. Waking up at 5:30am so that I wouldnt be late for work which starts at 7:30 at ITE CCK
14. Burnt my weekends off for work
15. Got scolded for incompetency/ slacking when I didn't
16. Felt so incompetent and stupid that I really hated myself
17. Spent hours at Bugis waiting for replies to confirm the buying of one thing
18. Felt so completely alone and without support
19. Kept all the hurt and anger I feel whenever my mum treats my work as though it's nothing
20. Smiled even when I feel completely disregarded for my effort